It has been a while since I last wrote. For the most part, I’ve been happy with my life outside of my household. My accomplishments in school, my loving boyfriend, and my always-there-for-me friends have been just enough to keep me grounded. Coming home every day is my biggest struggle. I’m terrified of what my Mom will pull over me. The biggest fear I had was not going to college, but that seems to have subsided after she paid my enrollment deposit. I don’t know why I fear her so much. It has something to do with her irrational and sudden decision-making I’ll tell you that much. I’m afraid of being in my New York bedroom one day and waking up in another state, or country, the next all due to her insensitivity. I don’t know what triggers her to make such decisions. I really don’t. I can’t trust a single move she makes and it has been impacting me to the point where I can barely sleep at night or finish a meal. I was told that I was losing weight and I can feel it as well. I am always tired and hungry and my hair has never been thinner. I feel like I’m losing myself and becoming what I vowed to never become —  a victim of her reign.

I have been contemplating suicide for over three years now. I have never tried self mutilation or drug overdose. I don’t plan on doing so either. I simply wish to take my own life. I have nothing to lose anymore. My own parents don’t want to see me succeed. They don’t support me anymore. I do admit, I have been awfully harsh on them at times, but I do not apologize for anything other than my attitude. There is absolutely nothing I regret; neither having a boyfriend nor the ways in which I have disobeyed my father’s religious instructions. He is a devout Coptic Orthodox. My mother a Catholic turned Coptic. I was raised to study Islam, but for as long as I have remembered I have resented all of its teachings. I do not believe that all those whom do not believe in the same beliefs as Muslims will be sent to Hell. Islam, in my eyes, is not the pure religion I was taught. It is one comprised of narrow-minded individuals who solely judge others. I am in no shape or form against Muslims. I just do not appreciate being forced to follow aspects I do not believe in. I want to educate myself of other religions. Not completely conform, but to learn. I want to save myself from inflicting any of the pain I’ve felt for so long onto myself. I want to be saved by Him.

Starting this new blog may just be the best decision I have made in a lonnnnng time.